The Resistance To Sharing

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Category: Blogs
Published: Thursday, 14 March 2013 04:12

                           
Business psychologist and psychotherapist; Douglas LaBier, says that Americans suffer from  “empathy deficit disorder”. He goes on to say,

“It's possible for an entire culture to develop shared forms of mental disturbance. As socially shared pathologies increase, they can be difficult to recognize; they become the norm. Such is the case today …”

 

 “Empathy” even became a bad word during President Obama’s first year in office when Republicans used it against him after he expressed a desire for empathy in his next Supreme Court pick in 2009. In a gossip-riddled, reality t.v. world, it wasn’t hard to get masses of Americans to go along with that meme. Particularly the “lumpen class” who love to rail against government while taking the largest portion of “handouts” in federal dollars. These were the folks shouting “let him die” on the question of the medically uninsured at a Republican debate last year. People, many who themselves require such assistance to survive and should be the first to understand the need for empathy, yet are the stingiest of all.

When we’re kids, empathy is automatic and we share our stuff with glee. We delighted in other people’s delight and the more sharing there was, the merrier. Everybody got a piece. Webster’s definition of sharing is “to partake of, use, experience, occupy, or enjoy with others; to tell (as thoughts, feelings, or experiences) to others”. Children’s capacity to open their hearts and share is unlimited until life’s hard knocks shuts it down.

The reason we share so freely as children is because we’re still in touch with our hearts and experience as much, if not more, joy when others enjoy too. We understand that what we give, we receive and when you give love away, you end up with more.

After we go thru the bumps and bruises of adulthood, sharing becomes vulnerability. Being vulnerable takes courage. It's tough to be on the other side of raised eyebrows and sideways glances just for being yourself. It's the hardest thing in the world to do. So, many of us reserve our hearts for those closest to us and bump the rest.

Heart plays the biggest part in sharing. It’s vital for real sharing to take place. That’s the part most of us struggle with in a society where exposing your heart can have dire consequences. You might find yourself standing naked in the wind, figuratively speaking, all alone, wishing you would have kept your mouth shut.

I’m well aware of this phenomenon, having been personally left swinging in the wind on more occasions than I care to remember. When you’re standing there searching your heart questioning your truth against the will of others, it’s in those moments that our hearts expand or contract. We come out of them either more than we were or less than we were before. In some way we are changed by the sense of abandonment and/or betrayal, however small, that chips away at the security we feel in our hearts. After a while most people just don’t get that involved, keeping a few close relationships but everyone else at bay.

I can understand this, of course. You can’t let everyone into your space. But it seems to me that this gradual detachment, the lack of concern that stems from it can morph into the kind of socially shared pathology that Douglas LaBier talks about where people don’t know their neighbors and won’t look you in the eye when you pass on the street.

I’m a happy sort of personality and it took a long time before my heart shut down after being stomped on and tossed aside one time too many. I think maybe because I was so open, once things got to the point where it wasn’t safe to share my heart anymore, it shut down just as fully as it had been open before.

That was a dismal time for me and I experienced a long, dark night of the soul before prayer and meditation brought me home to the light. It’s a wobbly journey, learning to trust my heart again, and I’ve done the two step forward, one back a few times. But I mostly go with the cosmic flow when interacting with others and refuse to let fake barriers keep me from sharing what rises in my heart to share, even if it’s not the typical thing to do.

African Americans are known to be some of, if not the most heart-filled, sharing people. The reputation of Black people overcoming tremendous odds in this country, our courage, heart and accomplishment, has been the subject of academic volumes & popular text for many years. In spite of media stereotypes, the truth about our history is one of honor and we have a right to be proud.

The thing is, somehow, this same compassion we’re known for is far too lacking in how we treat one another. Not that we are any more prone to divisions and conflicts than any other racial group or culture but we certainly can least afford it. It’s a trait that’s been exploited since slavery to keep the slaves divided. But unity is still our biggest hurdle and lack of it is the main cause for our inability to move forward in a tangible way. Instead of enjoying the reputation our remarkable ancestors left for us, we’re the butt of the joke and too often considered jesters on the global stage. I understand the influence of imbalanced representation and propagandized messaging but our grandmothers and grandfathers managed to build something memorable with far fewer resources with way more negativity coming their way.

African Americans continue to accomplish great things, starting with our most-excellent President Obama. And we are blazing the trails in science, business, academia, politics, and a whole host of cutting-edge frontiers. Considering the battles we’ve come through, together as a people, I would think we would be happier with each other than we are. But with each other it seems the qualities of sharing, empathy, vulnerability -- are often looked upon as a weakness.

I’ve been struck by the way I’m treated when I support other Black businesses. Too often I’m greeted with a look  or a tone of voice over the phone that says, “What do you want?” No heart, no love, and it, unfortunately happens all the time. Even a smile is met with suspicion or indifference. This is the reputation Black businesses are known for. Good, even excellent, services and products get lost in the sauce when indifference seems to be the rule. I personally think it’s a result of shutdown hearts, guarded against any possibility of being the one blowing in the wind, all alone with your heart hanging out. We develop a resistance to sharing. Even a smile becomes a commodity too precious to give away.

The little judgments we hold against each other form shields over our hearts, and disconnect us. Can one really love God and not our brothers and sisters? Everyone is working so hard, toiling to make their mark in the world. Looking good while you fight for your share of the dollars but is that what we’re really here for? Most business owners do it because of a passion near & dear to their hearts. Many have sacrificed everything in order to build a dream. More of that heart translated into courteous service and professional treatment would be a good thing. The dollars will follow ..

Leaving a legacy is important and working hard to make your dreams come true is the way to go.  Our ancestors did it with heart. That is the real legacy. Is the point to have status and to be grand and above others or is it to share and uplift the world around us? If humanity is “the word of God made flesh” then why does our community not reflect the love and heart that is the truth of who we are?

The reason you’re reading this is because of my passion to share. So many fabulous people are doing great and wondrous things; stepping up on so many fronts. I just want to celebrate.

Enough with the haterade parade. Let’s find a way to open our hearts again and share our best with each other. Bring our A-game, for one another! Look each other in the eye and smile from our hearts. Let us share in ways that improve the space. Carrying the brilliant torch passed to us, on the shoulders of phenomenal people who went before us and surrounded by excellence in every shape and form, there’s nothing in our way but us.

This, I see, as the healing of our community, society and the world.

It is the path with heart. Sharing starts with me.